So he claims he Loves me. He claims he wants to marry me. I brush him off. He is persistent. I don't take him seriously. How do I, without opening my heart to the possibility of possible bruises? It is too complicated. Our lives too distant, our relationship too complicated. It is too complicated.
It is not that I don't want to. It is just that I am not sure I can handle getting hurt again, or hurting some one else.
I want to say Yes, lets do this. I want to say Sweep me off my feet. But more than anything, in light of all that is against us, I want to say Fight. Fight for me.
But I am scared. I am scared that when I do, he won't.
I am scared. I am scared he will back out.
I am scared. I am scared of getting hurt.

"All you need is 20 seconds of insane courage, and I promise you something great will come out of it", Benjamin Mee, We Bought A Zoo

Something I wrote ages ago.

A conversation with a friend today led me to digging into some of my old writing. I personally love the below piece of mine. It simply conveys how I felt for quite sometime.

We often look back and at times feel foolish for feeling a certain way and grow to regret it. However, whenever I read my below poem, I know that nothing could have changed the way I felt then. I had to go through it to get past it.

That's the beauty of writing. It documents moments and feelings. As we grow and our memories fade, we may not remember how certain events took place, how they played out, whether our actions were actually justified, etc etc.

That's why I love the below piece. It makes me realize how far I have come.

This is my heart

You broke it

You promised to be careful

You promised me forever

You promised to love it

I let my guard down

I led you into my fort

I gave you everything

You promised me forever

Whoever thought forever would be so short?

Promises are meant to be broken

And I should have known

But I was so lost

In your promises forever

In which I now stand alone

The memories are fresh

My love for you still strong

The pain is stronger

But you promised me forever

And the pain feels wrong

You and me

That’s how it was supposed to be

You said I was the one

You promised me forever

It’s still me, oh can’t you see?

The following poem I wrote during one of my moments of weakness, a moment that I regret so much, a moment that could have changed everything that I am right now, today.
The below poem is a reminder to me that, well - it is ultimately all about you and how comfortable you are about your decision. Everyone else will eventually get it and things WILL fall into place. If only I was a little wiser then.
If only.


Just when I had made a decision
You came along
Out of the blue
You set fire to my mission.

In moments so few
You blew me away
Introducing me to a world both familiar and new;
I lost my direction Unsure of which step to take
It scares me so To feel this way
To be lost without a clue
To not know which note to play

Should I choose this path unknown I am filled with uncertainty...
Will you be there till the end,
Standing right here, beside me?
Will you be there when I need you most,
Or just a mere shadow of yourself,
A mere ghost?

If I ask you to hold my hand now, You need to know,
There is another hand I am letting go
There is an entire world I will have to face
And I am not sure I'm strong enough.
It will be then I will need your embrace
It will be then I will need faith
For I am weaker than I look
And this road will be rough.

And if I don't
You need to know
Dear friend, I cherish you so.
Friends Forever, will we remain?
The though of losing you hurts so much I cannot explain,
Go if you must, and I will understand .
But before you go, you must know
You will always be the one that got away.

The person to whom this poem is directed will probably never read it.
The person to whom this poem is directed will probably never know it.
If only.
If only.
If only.

Getting Married and Making Babies.

Today I found out that my older cousin is pregnant. PREGNANT. To say the least, I absolutely detest this fact.

My Cousin, P, is my 2 years older than me. She is 25. She got married about 4 months ago. I am the second oldest in my patriarchal side of the family, she being the first. When we were growing up, she was like my other half. Though I did stay in a different country for most of our lives, she was the one I hung out with most whenever I was back.
As we grew up, we dreamt of things that all girls (I think) dream of...getting married to extremely an extremely good looking guy and having a lavish wedding...etc..But that's where it would end. Nothing about the 'having the babies' part. As we were growing up, my cousins and I would constantly bring up the topic of P's marriage as she was oldest and blah blah blah. It was a fun topic, where we'd discuss what we'd wear, where the wedding would take place, who she would marry, where they'd go for the honeymoon...even the adults would join in and we'd all have a good laugh!
And then, as all things come to an end, she did indeed get married this previous summer.
She had a job before she got married, she was a teacher. But after getting married, she quit. She said she was looking for another job, though it didn't appear to be the case. I was quite surprised that she actually didn't want to work.
Did she really want to be "A house wife"?? Wasnt that just back in the day? As today's women weren't we supposed to be ambitious and motivated to be equal to our Man? What was the point of education if at the end of the day, we were just going to stay at home and cook?? Ok so she had company at home coz she she and her husband lived in joint family (the concept is still quite popular in my hometown)...but still..!! Where was her self respect??? To make it worse (for me atleast!), my brother in-law didn't really want her to work. I was disappointed, felt let down. This was not the path for the girl of today...In fact, I may have been slightly envious of the ease with which she made that decision. How easily she took it. She just quit and didn't look for any other job.
I doubt that I could have taken that decision, even if I wanted to. And I think even if I wanted to (which I think I will want to at some point of time in my life, and I am not talking about when I retire), I wouldn't have been able to.
Because, I have been brought up in the age where Men and Women are all equal, and women are as ambitious as men, if not more. I am not really an ambitious person - though I honestly wish I were.
Because I have a Masters in my field and what a waste that would be.
Because it would be a huge let down to my parents, who expect so much from me. A huge let down to me - how can I not have a future???
The point is, that she was content at dedicating her life to someone else completely - her husband. How??? Her entire day revolves around him - getting up and making breakfast for him. Making Lunch. Waiting for him to get home. Making dinner. Making Love (Babies). And the whole routine all over.
And now she's pregnant.

I feel terrible. Now her life will be dedicated to 2 people. The baby and her husband. Not to herself - not until a really really long time, if ever. I almost feel let down by her, which is really not fair to her. I guess this is what she wants.

And maybe I feel this way because, I feel like my childhood has been stolen from me. My cousins and I are no longer the "kids", the "babies" of the family. For now there will a whole new generation.
It just never occurred to me, and in a way, as childish as it may sound, I envy that baby.

Random Tag

Mishu has tagged me for the Random tag thread to put up 25 random facts about myself.
Honestly, Its not that I can't think of 25 things to put up about myself, it's more like I dunno which 25 things to put up; and what if I miss a really cool one which I think of later? Oh well, I guess I'll have to deal with it-and u already know one 'random fact' about me: I can get to be self-centered!

Anyway, the rules are :
- Once you've been tagged, you are supposed to write a note with 25 random things, facts, habits, or goals about you.
- At the end, choose 25 people to be tagged.

1. I am 22 years old and my one of my favorite colors is Pink.

2. I like to think that I am an extrovert, an extremely outgoing person but I'm not. I am actually quite a shy person.

3. I hate going into details. They simply BORE me.
For example, if I have watched a movie and someone wants me to narrate the storyline, I would tell them to go watch it themselves-unless they 'just' want my opinion about the movie. If someone wants to know the meaning of a word, I would tell them to simply go look it up in the dictionary.

4. I absolutely L.O.V.E doing something crazy or wacky! It's just so much fun and a great laugh :)

5. I hate potato but love potato chips. I can have them with almost anything- bread, noodles, burgers, mayo, ketchup, anything!!!

6. I love dips!! Give me a starter that comes with a dip, and I will most certainly ask for another bowl of the dip! In fact, I could just sit and eat a bowl of dip-all by itself, given of course that it is a yummy dip.

7. I consider myself to be religious though my being vegetarian has nothing to with it.

8. I don't judge people. I think what they do is up to them as long as they are not hurting me or anyone through their actions. However, I always feel as though I am under a microscope and being judged constantly, as result of which I am often very harsh on myself.

9. I hate liars.

10. I am a very loyal person. I will defend you to your and my own grave if I am on your side.

11. I love surprises. I know, everyone does but more than that, I love figuring out surprises which kinda spoils the surprise but my mind just CANNOT stop thinking of the different ways I could possibly be surprised.

12. I love eating! I could eat almost anything, anytime...keep something in front of me and I will just go on munching, and before you know it it will be over.

13. I am a morning person. I can get up early in the morning if required but can rarely stay up beyond 12 at night!

14. I love alone time. I love having time to myself doing anything be it watching a movie, reading, sleeping, even nothing.

15. I love Shopping and hate window shopping. I enjoy shopping for anything (clothes/shoes/accessories/food-especially shoes!) and feel that I shop better when alone (and when I have the $$$). Window shopping gets me tired and low coz I can't buy whatever it is I like.

16. I love fancy Stationary. I love nice diaries, pens, pencils, colorful post-its, those things that mark your pages, files etc etc.

17. I dream of having a nice big house with a huge garden and a huge library with nice wooden shelves filled with loads and loads of books, a nice plush couch, a soft carpet and tons of pillows!
The house will be decorated entirely by me. My room will be huge with a huge bathroom and a huge walk-in closet.

18. I like to think that I am a fair person. I try to analyze a situation from all the possible angles before I arrive at a conclusion.

19. I had my first crush when I was in Kinder-garden and his name was Stephen.

20. While good looks and a good attitude definitely attract me, I like guys with a good sense of humor. But what attracts me the most is a guy's hands-I don't like long or dirty finger nails (DUH); I don't like short and stubby fingers.

21. My Family means the world to me. I would do anything for any of them.

22. During the first few years of my life, I had very little hair growth and my head was shaved more than 4 or 5 times. I also constantly had loosies till I was 4.

23. I get annoyed with people who pretend to be someone they are not because it is so obvious and they try so hard. I also get annoyed with people who think less of other people and make sure they get this point across.

24. I love discovering new places, whether they may be to shop, to eat, to chill out, whatever!

25. I am a perfectionist. I like things to be perfect to the T! I also like things to be the way I want them to be.

Hmmm so there...I'm through.

I now tag

Siddarth

Karuna

Vinay

Sangeeta

Loneliness - A Look

What is loneliness? Is it a feeling that you’re all alone despite having a million people surrounding you?

The dictionary defines loneliness as:

Noun
1. the state of being alone in solitary isolation
2. sadness resulting from being forsaken or abandoned
3. a disposition toward being alone

I think one of the most shocking things about being or feeling lonely is that you don’t really expect yourself to feel that way, at least not in the initial stages. It really comes across as a surprise.

Loneliness can possibly be classified into two types:

1. Where one is lonely as a result of not knowing anyone in a city or a place.
2. There are people you do know (at least kind of), yet you don’t really get along with them. It’s where you literally need to make an effort to just be with them because, honestly, that’s the only option you possibly have!
It’s almost synonymous to the quote, ‘Water, water, everywhere but not a drop to drink’.

The second type is obviously worse than the first one, because one may start to wonder if something’s wrong with oneself that one cannot get along with the others. At least in the first one, one cannot blame oneself for the situation! Often however, the first one is followed by the second one.

There may be people are all around you, only you don’t know them and maybe, don’t really want to. Does that mean that loneliness is choice? So many people and well, there is no one you can get along with? Does that mean that one has chosen to be lonely?? I doubt that anyone voluntarily wishes to be lonely-most of us definitely put in an effort to get along with those around us, especially if we are the ‘new’ ones. While part of the responsibility of forging a relationship does lie with us, an almost equal part lies with the opposite party. When there is a lack of effort/interest on either of the sides, it doesn’t work; as a result of which one half of the party has to face ‘being lonely’.

One of the most obvious causes for a lack of interest among the other half of the parties is of course Groupism. Every one wants to belong and so the minute they find a few others like themselves they breathe a sigh of relief. The relief is so much that not only do they forget that there are still others who are alone out there but they also choose not to give anyone else a fair chance for a fair friendship. The reasons to this maybe

- They are afraid that if they let anyone else in, that person may steal the spotlight or become more popular within the group and they themselves will be left out.
- They don’t wish to offend the others members of the group, in other words, peer pressure.
- They like the feeling of belonging and relish it even further when they see that there are others who are struggling. They find comfort in others misery.

It is also very much possible that one may just not get along with those around them. It simply means that one needs to wait and explore some more-till the right kind of company comes across.

In either of the cases, Loneliness is indeed a choice; however, it is not just a choice to be lonely, but it is a choice to preserve one’s pride and dignity against the world.
It is better, any day, to be alone and lonely, than be ridiculed or ignored.

Say what you need to say?

It’s funny, because what you don’t say, is(almost always) not expected of you to feel. But does any one realize that while certain things get better when expressed, there are certain things that get worse when expressed, and thought over and about constantly. After a point it rotates in your head to such an extent that you can’t escape it and it engulfs you. At numerous times of a day, it comes back to you. There are so many things, that otherwise may seem normal on other days, but all of a sudden begin to affect you, and bring these wretched thoughts back to you. It’s almost like these feelings you can’t escape unless you achieve their objective.

The thought begins to dictate you, your mind-frame, your moods, your environment-pulling you down every time. You are then in a frame where all there is you and the thought. You may be doing something but it’s the thought that you’re thinking. You maybe speaking to someone but it’s the thought that’s running on your mind. It’s almost depressing. In fact, it is depressing. And the most depressing part is, you’re on your own. While the thought may/may not be explainable to others, at the end of the day, like with many other things, you’re on your own to deal with it. It is at the end of the day, “your” problem.

I guess it’s like a phase and you trudge your way out of it. How long you take depends on you alone I guess. The silver lining may be distant but you know too, that’s it’s there and you’re going to be alright-eventually.