So he claims he Loves me. He claims he wants to marry me. I brush him off. He is persistent. I don't take him seriously. How do I, without opening my heart to the possibility of possible bruises? It is too complicated. Our lives too distant, our relationship too complicated. It is too complicated.
It is not that I don't want to. It is just that I am not sure I can handle getting hurt again, or hurting some one else.
I want to say Yes, lets do this. I want to say Sweep me off my feet. But more than anything, in light of all that is against us, I want to say Fight. Fight for me.
But I am scared. I am scared that when I do, he won't.
I am scared. I am scared he will back out.
I am scared. I am scared of getting hurt.

"All you need is 20 seconds of insane courage, and I promise you something great will come out of it", Benjamin Mee, We Bought A Zoo

Something I wrote ages ago.

A conversation with a friend today led me to digging into some of my old writing. I personally love the below piece of mine. It simply conveys how I felt for quite sometime.

We often look back and at times feel foolish for feeling a certain way and grow to regret it. However, whenever I read my below poem, I know that nothing could have changed the way I felt then. I had to go through it to get past it.

That's the beauty of writing. It documents moments and feelings. As we grow and our memories fade, we may not remember how certain events took place, how they played out, whether our actions were actually justified, etc etc.

That's why I love the below piece. It makes me realize how far I have come.

This is my heart

You broke it

You promised to be careful

You promised me forever

You promised to love it

I let my guard down

I led you into my fort

I gave you everything

You promised me forever

Whoever thought forever would be so short?

Promises are meant to be broken

And I should have known

But I was so lost

In your promises forever

In which I now stand alone

The memories are fresh

My love for you still strong

The pain is stronger

But you promised me forever

And the pain feels wrong

You and me

That’s how it was supposed to be

You said I was the one

You promised me forever

It’s still me, oh can’t you see?

The following poem I wrote during one of my moments of weakness, a moment that I regret so much, a moment that could have changed everything that I am right now, today.
The below poem is a reminder to me that, well - it is ultimately all about you and how comfortable you are about your decision. Everyone else will eventually get it and things WILL fall into place. If only I was a little wiser then.
If only.


Just when I had made a decision
You came along
Out of the blue
You set fire to my mission.

In moments so few
You blew me away
Introducing me to a world both familiar and new;
I lost my direction Unsure of which step to take
It scares me so To feel this way
To be lost without a clue
To not know which note to play

Should I choose this path unknown I am filled with uncertainty...
Will you be there till the end,
Standing right here, beside me?
Will you be there when I need you most,
Or just a mere shadow of yourself,
A mere ghost?

If I ask you to hold my hand now, You need to know,
There is another hand I am letting go
There is an entire world I will have to face
And I am not sure I'm strong enough.
It will be then I will need your embrace
It will be then I will need faith
For I am weaker than I look
And this road will be rough.

And if I don't
You need to know
Dear friend, I cherish you so.
Friends Forever, will we remain?
The though of losing you hurts so much I cannot explain,
Go if you must, and I will understand .
But before you go, you must know
You will always be the one that got away.

The person to whom this poem is directed will probably never read it.
The person to whom this poem is directed will probably never know it.
If only.
If only.
If only.